"Rockin!" Season II/Episode XI
2008-03-07, 12:04 a.m.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Candoor walked out onto the roof. Hubbyman did a double take, and at that moment, Candora fell backwards, and hit the ground, sobbing.

“Well well well.” Candoor smiled. “My loving brother. It’s been a long time. How are things?”

“There are fucking two of you?” Hubbyman still looked shocked.

“There might be more,” Candoor said vaguely.

“Okay, what the hell is going on? I want some answers,” Hubbyman demanded.

“Later. You’d better get out of here if you don’t want to be arrested for trespassing. Go to my flat. Wait for me there and I’ll explain everything.”

Hubbyman looked on in confusion, and then left.

“So, dear brother,” Candoor grinned, helping him up, “once again I save your life. You must be feeling pretty bad right now.”

“Huh.”

“Let me guess, that father of ours enlisted you to help him rip off a huge quantity of money from YankBank, is that it?”

Candora looked guilty.

“Thought so. He never was very original, was he?”

“How did you know all of this?” Candora rubbed his head, where he hit it after falling backwards.

“I didn’t,” Candoor said, “at least not at first. But I saw you sitting in your car outside my place one night – you never were able to be discreet – and guessed something was going on, though I didn’t know what. For one reason or another, I decided a trip away would do me the world of good, not realising then, of course, that I was giving you exactly what you wanted, by being out of the way, allowing you to masquerade as my good self. What were you planning on doing to get me out of the way? Were you going to kill me?”

“I don’t know. Dad left it up to me.” Candora was still shaking.

“He always was good at backing the wrong horse.”

“Fuck off.”

“Now, now. Don’t get in a temper with me. I just saved your life, remember? Though if I’d have had time to think, I really should have let Hubbyman drop you. You deserve that much.” Candoor looked at his brother.

“He won’t be so gung-ho when I get the cops onto him.”

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll be doing that.”

“Why the fuck not? He tried to kill me!”

“And you have tried to rip off a bank for no doubt millions of pounds. As well as stealing my identity to gain access to a bank, breaking into my flat…”

“Alright alright! I won’t say anything, you have my word.”

“Good. You’re also going to do me another little favour.”

“What?”

“You’ll see. Come downstairs.”

* * * * * * * * * *
Candoor knocked on Zon’s door.

“Come in.”

“Hello, Zon. I didn’t know you would still be here.”

“I just arrived.” Zon winced as her sarcastic smile made her face hurt.

“Oh. Are you alright?” Candoor could sense there was something wrong.

“I’m fine. Now what is it? And what are you doing here?”

“There’s something my brother would like to tell you.”

Candora stepped forward.

Zon did a Hubbyman-esque double take. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll explain everything. But most importantly, you need to give Hubbyman his job back. It was Candora that planted the drugs in his locker. May we sit down?”

“Be my guests,” Zon sighed. She was tired and could do without this crap.

“Thank you. Well, it started a couple of weeks ago…”

* * * * * * * * * *
“Smash, do you realise we have spent the last two days in bed doing nothing but eating, drinking and um…”

“Fucking?”

“Can’t we say making love?”

“I thought they were the same thing?”

“Well I suppose they are… can I ask you something?”

“Of course, babe.” Smash stroked Dandy’s hair and inhaled on his cigarette.

“You know… when you’re down at the pub with your friends, do you ever talk about… things?”

“Well of course. We don’t sit there in silence drinking, you know.” Smash scratched his chin in confusion.

“No I mean things. Like sex. And things.”

“Yeah too right we do. And don’t tell me you babes never talk about guys and their… things either, because I know you do. In fact, I once heard Tart on the phone in work describing one of her conquests willies in more detail than I thought possible.”

“Tart dated a man with more than one willy? Wow.” Dandy grinned.

“Shush.”

“And anyway, it’s disgraceful the way you listened in to her call like that.” Dandy slapped his arm.

“Well I was testing the new phone system, and…” Smash started in his defence.

“So what was it like?”

“It worked just fine.”

“The willy or the new phone system?”

“Both, apparently.”

* * * * * * * * * *
“You know,” Zon said to Candora, “I really ought to call the police.”

Candora bristled.

“But right now I can’t be bothered. Get out of my building and don’t come back here. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“As for you two…” Zon turned toward Candoor and Hubbyman. “Which one of you is going to make me a coffee?”

* * * * * * * * * *
Smed opened the door wearily and looked at the – frankly beautiful – woman stood on his doorstep. “Yes?” he said, tersely, “what do you want?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” the woman said. “I appear to be lost. I’m new to the city, you see. I’m supposed to be meeting my friend for lunch. Would you mind at all if I used your phone?”

Sighing, Smed opened the door and gestured for her to come through.

* * * * * * * * * *
Smash stated balefully at the piece of paper Zon had given him, requesting that he trawl the log of phone calls and emails, making note of who did what and when.

Smash did what he always did when he felt he couldn’t be bothered doing something. He shoved the piece of paper into his bottom drawer and prayed that it would be forgotten about in a week.

* * * * * * * * * *
“Thank you so much,” the cute blonde said to Smed. “My friend is going to pick me up in a few minutes.”

“That’s no problem,” Smed grinned at her. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Oh that would be lovely! Is there somewhere I could freshen up?” She fluttered her eyelashes at him.

“Through there,” he pointed to the bathroom.

“Thank you.”

* * * * * * * * * *
“Zon are you okay?” Hubbyman placed the coffee down on her desk and sat down.

“I’m fine,” she snapped. “Is that all?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so.”

“Goodnight then.”

“Goodnight, Zon. And er, thanks.”

* * * * * * * * * *
Workcrush looked at Jim and smiled. He looked back at her and grinned.

Workcrush felt a stirring in her stomach and a pang of love.

‘This could be it’ she thought. ‘I sure hope it is.’

* * * * * * * * * *
Smed felt nervous. The girl had been a long time in the bathroom. He was about to get up and check when he heard the front door bang.

“Darling!” Tart said. “I snuck home early to surprise you!”

“Oh that’s excellent,” Smed said, grimacing, “but before we carry on, there’s just one thing…”

“What. The. HELL is going on here?” Tart shrieked, as a naked girl exited their bathroom, and, bold as brass, came up and draped herself across Smed.

“Darling! It’s not what it looks like, I promise!” Smed yelled. “I swear, it’s a bloody set-up!”

“Oh don’t take me for such an idiot,” Tart snarled, “I should have realised when you cheated on your wife with me that you were a bastard. I should have listened to my instinct. And my mother. Now get out.”

“But…”

“Out! And take your whore with you!”

The front door slammed and Tart sank onto the sofa, ready for a snivel.

* * * * * * * * * *
The next morning, Zon called Smash into her office.

“Smash, you may well remember a short lifetime ago I gave you a sheet of paper, which contained instructions for you to carry out audits on phone calls, emails and the like.”

“Er, yeah, I remember.” Smash twirled some of his hair round his index finger.

“Well?” Zon snapped? “Would you like to tell me where it is?”

“Well, it’s just I’ve been rather busy… the new phone system and all…” Smash tried to think of a decent lie and found he couldn’t be arsed. “But look, Ill do it soon, I promise.”

“That is not good enough,” Zon growled scarily, “I wanted it for today.”

“But you said I had a week to do it,” Smash protested.

“I did not!”

“You did! You said…”

“Get out, Smash!” Zon roared.

“What?”

“Get out! Out of this office and out of the building! You're fired!”

Smash stood there for a moment, left the room and slammed the door.

Zon burst into tears.